I am a creature of habit. I absolutely HATE to admit it, but I am. Those who know me personally would probably vehemently disagree (I may or may not have developed a reputation for being allergic to monotony).
Don't get me wrong, I know that sometimes routine is necessary. I mean, how else are you supposed to create an attachment to anything, right? You see, THAT'S my problem... attachment. My entire existence is all "slight of hand" or better yet, "smoke and mirrors".
Despite the illusion of free spirited independence, I tend to be cemented into ways of thought and emotions more often than I care to admit. Those thoughts and emotions are persistent and relentless, leaving me stuck, and often times holding on to the past.
Why? It's not like I haven't tried. It's not like I want to be caught up in a revolving door of memories, feelings, and attachments that I can't move on from. It actually drives me insane. The memories. The feelings. The ache. So what am I supposed to do?
I've realized recently that I've deceived myself into thinking that my inability to move on from certain things is the fault of my "vivid memory". That somehow, if I wasn't able to remember things so clearly, I could let go. Or that if God wanted me to move on, he would just remove the attachment (and all of the emotions that go along with it) from me. Isaiah 43:18 makes it VERY clear that it doesn't work that way. The scriptures says "Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history (MSG)". In this I've realized my disobedience. Not only am I not living by this scripture, but I am displaying a blatant lack of faith. I have behaved as if God can't restore what's been lost. As if he's not able to bless me with exceedingly abundantly above all that I ask or think. It's almost like I don't trust him with what's next. In stagnation I am blocking my own blessings. How dare I?
It has become evident to me that YES, I am creating my own misery. By not allowing myself to move on, I am also not opening myself up to the possibilities of the unimaginable blessings the Lord has in store for me. My record was on "replay" when God wanted to play me a new song. The question is, "how do I break the habit?" It's not as easy as it sounds, even with the best intentions. I guess my first step is THIS, here, acknowledging that sometimes my faith is fragile. My ego would have me believe otherwise. "Thy will, not my will" has to become MORE than just words. I have to put it into action, which requires releasing control. My prayer has shifted to "Lord, I surrender". Reminding myself daily that my thoughts are not his thoughts. If God wants to move, I'll move. Trading my misery for miracles.
Hazelle Gobert does unicorn things! She is a mother who writes and describes herself as being a hippie at heart; a fashion rebel; and a 'giggle gansta'. She is the author of the Blog 'Hazed and Confused' and the owner of @hazeduncensored, an Instagram page where she shares her quirky brand of humor on everyday issues.
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